Moonlight and History

I watch you
As you lay sleeping
A band of moonlight
Strapped across your face

It was a while ago
But I can still see it
In my mind's eye

As I laid there thinking
What depths lay underneath
For once I was convinced
That I knew absolutely nothing.

Thanks Shmanks...

I know I'm supposed to be thankful today. I know everyone is blathering on and on about it. I know gratitude is important...I do...but honestly I'm having a hard time feeling grateful for much of anything. I've just stayed quiet about it, not responding to others gooey thankfulness ramblings. I feel kinda sorry for myself that I don't have more things to be grateful for. Like good health...good health would be nice. Maybe a loving relationship or close friends...yeah that would be something I'd be grateful for if I had them right now. I'm in a dark place, yo-and I'm not going to paste a happy face on it and say the obligatory "it's all good" cause that's just bullshit. I am grateful for basic stuff...like a roof over my head, food and clothing, a family that loves me, albeit not in the way I'd like to be loved, but in their own way. I am really hoping that by next year I will have more happy stuff to be grateful for. I know it can't all be sunshine and roses, but c'monnnnn! Just a little happiness goes a long way. God if you're listening, get going on that please. All this dark shit is a little more than I can handle, and if you truly know me, you'd stop it already.
I lost four pounds. I am grateful for that.
Off to work out. How many people can say that after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm a little proud of myself. Let's see if we can't extrapolate on that.
You are dismissed.

Same guy, take two...

He gives himself away sparingly-enough that I want more, but not enough that he has to feel like he has lost anything. Just enough to make me dizzily want more and then he goes silent for long periods of time, as if to say, "That never happened. The closeness we shared is just a dream you had while napping. You don't really know me and you never will." He is a mystery, and clearly intends to remain as such. He often contradicts himself, and usually I say nothing upon hearing the contradictions. I just log them away for later to remind myself that he is not real.
A+B do not equal C, and therefore all logic and order do not apply.
He tries to scare me away by being mean, but I can see deeper than that and I see the games he plays.
God help me if I should fall in love with another man exactly like the last one. How can there be two, and how can I be attracted to such self centered aloof bastards?

oh ps...

This morning I had a serious of fun and happy dreams. I can't remember for the life of me what they were about...I just remember waking up smiling and being happy. When you haven't been for a while, those feelings tend to be all the more sweet.

not sad, DEPRESSED and magic pills, don't think so...

Depression is a very real thing.

Sure, when something "bad" happens or you're sad, etc-you may call that being depressed. In one definition of the term, that is true.

However, actual depression can be debilitating and not just "sad feelings" but an illness that you can't get out from under. I've experienced being manic before, in my twenties. That was no fun, and I got treatment for that at the time. I think largely contributing to this illness is several things going wrong or feeling so many horrible things at once,until the last thing which is just the "straw that breaks the camel's back". I had it then, and I have had it lately.

I, like all of us, am only human. I can only handle so much shit at once. Combine my health problems and chronic pain, with my caretaker's job of my handicapped father and dealing with his pain and depression, complete isolation from friends and anything remotely fun...and more that I won't even go into-you have what is/was THE PERFECT STORM.

I asked my physician for anti-depressants and he prescribed something. I had yet to take it, when I started having chest pains and feeling dizzy. At first I though it was a panic attack. I took an ambien and went to bed. Those same feelings persisted through the next day, which lead me to think that it may not be anxiety, but an actual cardiac situation. I got myself to the ER and spent a glorious afternoon and evening on a friday night, connected to machines and poked and prodded. Because of my Scleroderma, you can't be too careful. Also, you can't fuck around when it comes to your heart. They didn't find anything conclusive, and I ended up back at home. Since then it has come and gone, but mostly gone...I know I need to get to a cardiologist for more tests. However this week, I am dealing with dental problems and needed a tooth extraction and a very expensive bridge built. Again, more shit piled on top of my previous pile. Yet somehow over the weekend, the depression seemed to lift a bit. I did not take the medication, as I had a very bad feeling about it, and I tend to trust my intuition. I purchased it, however, for fourty dollars before I realized I was not going to subject my body to this.
Read what others have said about taking this drug, and tell me if you'd take this EVER:

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=21427

Anyhow...I am working on setting my focus a little more straight so when the shit storm comes through again (as it invariably will) I will be able to ride it out. (Without the help of medication)

Do magic "all better" pills really exist anyhow? I'm thinking, no.

Life is so weird. I don't really know what to make of it.
I feel like life's chew toy, and life is a really hardcore pit bull.
It has me in it's grasp and is just violently shaking it's head back
and forth and growling...I just curl up into the ball that I am and let it.

Stuck
Stuck
Stuck
...how to unstick?
Stuck.

Dream Diary

Ok...I've been awake now and I should have written this down right after I got up...but I had a weird weird dream.

Here's what I remember:
I was looking at the moon and it looked really different. It was amazing. Something weird was going on. It was super bright and the rays were making forms. Suddenly there were these explosions, like fireworks...but they had a lot of smoke ash and rock(?) coming down. Everyone was trying to take cover. I remember I was wearing shorts, cause I was thinking shoot, I wish I had worn pants today as the fallout came down on me.
Then it was like a science fiction movie. There were these shape-shifting aliens and they were trying to kill me. It was hard to know when it was them or when it was a friend of mine, cause they kept shape-shifting. You could figure it out if you paid really close attention. There was a lot of suspense and running. At the end a friend of mine was like, get in the car, they're coming for you. Then she was like, wait, my dog needs to pee. So she let the dog out to pee on the grass and then she peed on the dog. Me and another friend were waiting in the car, but then the other friend said "oh we forgot one thing" and signaled me to get out of the car for a second. Then she said "it's them-RUN!" and we narrowly escaped with our lives...I woke up as we ran away.

I usually wake up an hour earlier than today. I think the dream kept me spellbound, because I always wake up at the same time, give or take a few minutes. My heart was beating really fast when I woke up. I wonder what this means.

Groundhog day...again.

This last week has been a hard one. I hate to sound redundant and/or negative, but Jesus-it's just like fucking Groundhog Day. While I realize that I am the only one that can pull myself out of my loop, I feel helpless to do so. If I can't, then who will?!

No one. Exactly.

Somehow, I've always figured in the recesses of my brain, that there would be a knight in shining armor coming to my emotional rescue (thanks, Mick.). I think he may have had a horrible accident while on the way to pick me up. That, or he never really existed. Oh...or he's just really frickin slow. See, I'm just not ready to let the idea die. Maybe I just need to figure some more stuff out on my own before his arrival. I am not prepared to let go of the idea that there is someone out there for me. A soul mate, a life partner-the yin to my yang.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two
You were looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine
That's the pain
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart
We called it love

--Origin of Love (Hedwig & The Angry Inch)

Yeah so, in thinking of all that nonsense, that song came to mind. It's sort of violent in origin, but that's life. I do think that there is someone out there for me that is sort of erupting from inside of my soul. Ok, so maybe that sounded super cheese-but it felt right in my head. How can you argue with that logic?!

Someone suggested this to me in an email recently:

"...Have you sat down and wrote a list of all of the qualities you want in a partner? Do you imagine what he is like? DO IT! You will find that it comes to you. I swear. I have been so lucky to have supportive, kind, loyal men in my life. And I am certain it is because I REALLY focused on the kind of person I wanted in my life. Sometimes I was too strict and unopen. But mostly I was defining what I wanted and asking the universe for it."

Ok, so I sat down and did it, because it seemed to make sense, if only in the sense that it certainly couldn't hurt to know what precisely this chap would look like (and not look like).

Here's what I came up with so far:

Soulmate Qualities:

· Smart

· Honest

· Funny loves to laugh

· Quick wit

· Caring/Empathetic/Sympathetic

· Patient

· Motivated and Motivating/good follow-through

· Slow to anger

· Attractive/Stylish

· Takes good care of himself

· Emotionally available

· Sensitive but manly

· Encouraging

· Spiritual

· Sexual/Sensual

· Artistic

· Good with finances

· Responsible

· Loving/openly affectionate

· Excellent communicator

· Good listener/knows when to just listen

· Good taste in music

· Well read and fairly cultured

Dealbreakers:

· Habitual Smoker

· Big drinker/druggie

· Religious as opposed to Spiritual

· Non-commital

· Emotionally unavailable

· Dishonest

· Inflexible

· Self centered

· Flakey

· Mean to others; trash talker

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...So now that I've done that, what am I supposed to do?

A/meditate on it

B/make an offering to the Gods, burn shit, chant

C/mail it to Santa/Jesus

D/wait another 41 years

E/all of the above

F/none of the above

...Sigh.

When it comes to dudes, I think it's just best that I don't call, text or facebook.
I am not to be trusted when I have a crappy day or I feel hurt. I can not control my fingers. The neediness just comes pouring out.
Bad fingers.

Retarded Loser Strikes Again...

This is a post where I vent my frustrations instead of acting out.

Mostly I am mad at myself. Mad because I allow myself to fall for guys that are totally emotionally unavailable. They make it very clear. I accept, because I am lonely and figure, well...a friend that I enjoy is better then being alone. Thing is, I'm not so sure it is. Every time I try to engage them via text message or facebook or...whatever the medium we happen be using, I hurt when I'm rejected. I think I lose a little more self esteem every time.

Why do I always have to be the one trying to get together? Even though I know for fact that every time we do hang out we both laugh and enjoy each other, that doesn't seem to encourage them to instigate togetherness. Romantic or otherwise, I feel like this is a pattern that is repeated with everyone. The ones I happen to be romantic with just make it more vividly painful and obvious.
I can't say anything much, or I lose "a friend" and I use that term loosely because clearly a real friend wouldn't make me feel this way. I don't want to seem too needy but, truth be told, I am needy-I need a friend. Sadly, one of the only friends I have here where I have been living for the past year is a guy that I fool around with. Not often, or as often as I would like, but we do. I would be friends with him even if we weren't romantically linked. I mean, he is a cool guy, and like I said, we always have a great time when we're together. So now, I am lonely, really gut wrenchingly lonely...AND I feel rejected because when I try to connect with him (and it's always me trying) and he turns me down, I feel like like shit on the bottom of a shoe. I understand he won't always want to hang out when I ask him...but at least he could be sweet about it-realizing that I am putting myself out there to even ask. Perhaps say something like...tonight isn't good for me, but thanks for asking. How bout sometime next week? Fuck. I feel like acting out. I went to send him an email on this topic...but fell short of sending, as I realized it would just turn him off and away. Not sure I am ready to do that. I then impulsively deleted him as my friend. I figured eventually he'll notice, and go-what the fuck?! But even after doing so, I felt like a bratty little kid acting out, and I re-added him with a note saying "I accidentally deleted you, please re add." I feel like the king of all dipshits. Oh, and yeah, I feel really fucking lonely.

TweetStories #1

Said I:
Dear readers: I am creatively blocked. Please send me ANY ideas for short stories and I promise I'll try em! Could be fun! Respond now!

Said twitter friend supreme:
StereoForBrains@iKeralot Remember the old story about the last man on earth who hears a knock at his door? Write what happens afterward. Sounds interesting

Ok, I'll give it a go.



As he set about his tasks, the phrase "not if you were the last man left on earth"echoed around in Chance's head. It resonated mostly because he was.
(...And yes, he did realize his name was ironic.)

Little did Earth know, earlier that year, but it was just about at the apex of it's doom. Well, human's doom, I should say. The planet didn't explode or fly out of it's gravitational orbit, the people,well...they just died. If there was anyone left to speculate, you can be sure there would be many theories, but alas every last doctor, researcher, scientist and the like, was most assuredly extinct.

Chance had been hiking for about a week on his own. Gathering up silent moments like rare gems, he basked in the absence of noise. The only thing he heard was the birds and the insects and the water pushing past the rocks of his camp. He wasn't antisocial, so much the opposite, that this was the only way he could gather his thoughts when he had to do his "deep thinking".
Some big stuff was going down in his life, and he needed to really think things through without the city noise and computer babble.

At the end of the week, he felt rested and resolved, ready to conquer all of the demons at his door. Actually, some really great things were coming down the wire, and he knew now what he would do next. Looking forward to his life back at home, he drove back into the city. After a week of solitude he had grown rather lonely, and was thinking about his girlfriend slash possible future fiance, Sarah, and what they could order in for dinner.

He had left at the crack of the crack of dawn, in order to make it back before rush hour traffic, and was pleased with himself when there was none. Pleased led to confused, as the sun continued it's climb and the cars didn't exponentially appear. That's strange, he thought, his eyebrows knitting together. ...Ordinarily, he'd be doing a happy dance for the lack of stop and go, but this was just plain wrong. Uneasiness settled in him to the point where his intuition now definitely told him something was horribly wrong. He stopped the car in the center lane of the 405 freeway. No one honked.

After a week of brutal realization, Chance came to understand that he was the only person left. He couldn't say for sure that there was no one left anywhere on god's green earth, but he could pretty much say without a doubt there sure as hell was no one here. Well, no one alive. Never having liked the horror or science fiction genres, his psyche would not let him dwell on the decomposing bodies that littered the streets. He could barely deal with it, so he deftly stuffed those type of details in a tiny room in his brain and firmly locked the door. Body, what dead body? Stench? What stench? He donned a gas mask he acquired at the Army Navy Surplus, and went about his business- the business of coping with the fucking Twilight Zone reality that was now his lot.

I'll just skip the part of his mental breakdown, because really, it's pretty cliche. When one finds themselves in this situation, naturually they are going to melt down. ...Have bad dreams. ...Throw large items off tall buildings while screaming, etc. None of those things changed the reality of it, and, being a pretty level headed guy, he moved on.

After that, as any of us would, he did all the things one thinks of in this macabre scenario. He collected diamonds until he had bags that overflowed. He drove every kind of car he could never afford, as fast as he could. He went through people's homes and looked at their personal and warped effects. It all got pretty old, pretty fast.

He chose a house that suited him inside and out. Never in a million years did he imagine that he would live in such a beautiful home. He spent weeks filling it with every creature comfort he could think of. Of course all food had to be imperishable, but in this day and age, that was pretty doable. He stocked and decorated, till he was pretty sure he had the best damn fortress any one could ever imagine. This took up weeks of his time, and he singlemindedly went about doing it.

Once done, the silence, no longer like a rare gem, was now oppressive. He longed for the city noise and often dreampt about it...waking up only to hear a nothingness so loud it hurt his eardrums. Laying in what could factually be called the most comfortable bed known to man, he looked out the window and really contemplated the nothingness. In that silence of silence, a sudden knock on the door made his heart stop. His stomach dropped like rock thrown into the ocean. The noise echoed through the house, or was it just in his head, sharp and loud, a staccato beat. His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. He couldn't move, he was frozen and suddenly so dizzy and cold, his last thought before his heart gave out...

"This is seriously fucked, now I'll never know who was at the godamned door."

Don't read this and DON'T comment....

Why do we care if people read our blogs or not? Why do we crave comments?
Do we write to be read and acknowledged, or do we write to vent and to engage our creative minds? I guess it's healthy to say all of the above, I'd be lying otherwise.

If you read me, I'd love to know...the universe can feel awfully big and we can feel awfully small. Generally though, you can wait until I say something really profound or something that resonates with you...but then, no excuses...please chime in.

If you comment on this blog though, you're just a kiss ass. Ha ha. Kidding...
(...or am I?!)

A LONE GIRL

I'm tired of seeing all my friends happy pictures with their loving spouses and children, feeling as lonely as I do. I mean, it's not like I'm not happy that they are happy, I am. Seriously though, how much loneliness can one person take? Why do these pictures taunt me?

Aren't I worthy of the same kind of love and fulfillment? I'm 41 and I've never had that. Only once have I really been "in love". I mean, sick in love...and how did that turn out? He broke my heart eight ways till Sunday. He abused my feelings for him, by taking them and using them to his benefit, never once giving me what I needed or wanted. He treated me like I was a vacation from his real life. Now, once again, I find myself in a "relationship" which is not really a "relationship" where he gets what he wants when he wants it, and then can take me or leave me until the next time we hang out.

Somehow, this is my fault. This pattern that I allow men to treat me badly is my fault. I just don't understand why I haven't met someone that sees the goodness and love in me and wants to engage in a loving relationship. I don't think I can make that happen, and yet on facebook, the majority of my high school friends and others I have made over the span of my lifetime, have found love and started families. I want that. I don't want to give up on it, and yet it feels like I am so mind numbingly alone since forever and that feeling stretches into infinity...

Hoppy the Begging Bird

Yesterday, when I took my father out to lunch I saw something that touched me.
There was a little black bird, hopping around near the door of the restaurant with it's mouth wide open. Back and fourth it hopped, never once closing it's mouth. From it's erratic behavior, I could tell it was sick or just plain starving. I started to think, how clever it was for hopping around right in front of the door-like a little beggar. I had to go inside and find it some bread.

Then I started thinking...people get hungry too...the bird was symbolizing to me that there are creatures that need to be provided for. That same day I was driving and on the exit of the freeway that I had to get off at, there is always a homeless person begging with a sign. I thought as I approached, oh no, I just can't handle it today, my heart bleeds too much for these people and I just don't want to feel it.
When I slowed to a stop at the exit, there were actually four people begging at the light. I had never seen that before. I started thinking I need to make them sandwiches or...do something. Once I got to my destination, I cried because I felt so helpless.

incidentally, this is not the afore mentioned bird.
this is a reenactment. a stand-in bird, if you will.

This week has been THE most non productive week ever.
I just wasn't feeling well in any way. I need to shake myself out of this.

Most interesting part of the week: bought a Wii and a Wii fit.
Most interesting part of the week Part II: I'm returning it tomorrow. (I was also thinking maybe I'd just keep it an extra week and rent a few games, then return it, make it worth having done it in the first place. Yay for Costco)

I'm just not that into it and it cost $350 bucks all together. It's just not worth it to me. My cousin was saying, it takes a lot of time and effort to get good at some of these games...and I was like...ugh, I don't want to do that. The computer is enough of a time suck, not to mention the iphone and the movies and tv shows on my dvr and movies and tv shows backed up on my external hard drive. Oh, and the books I'm reading and art projects, etc. I just can't be bothered by this wii contraption.

I was invited to a little party for a girlfriend of mine that got married tonight-sorta last minute, but it's nice to be invited. I have been longing for some human interaction.

Oh yeah and last night I went over to my afore mentioned little cousin's house to play Wii resort. We also watched the season finale (my second time) of Nurse Jackie. Kind of a disappointing ending, but...we'll see what they do next season.

I will attempt to be more creative on here tomorrow. Check back. :)

Anyone? Beuller?...

Does anyone read my blog?? No one ever comments.
If a blog gets written in the forest...

iTunes Shuffle Fortune Telling for 8.18.09

So, I've written out 10 questions and/or topics...now I will put my iTunes on shuffle
and see if they address my questions...here goes nothing:

1. Will I be successful in my creative endeavours?
Waiting in Vain - Bob Marley
Ok, not sure how to interpret that. I'm gonna say it's not a negative...it just means, don't wait. Make it happen.

2. What will come of my love life?
The Beloved - Yusef
Cool. I'm gonna take that as a positive affirmation. (ps. Yusef is the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens)

3. What will happen with my father and his poor health?
Feel My Flow - Naughty By Nature
My interpretation of this one is just...go with the flow, it will take it's course and I should feel for him. (By the way, my dad is TOTALLY "naughty by nature" so that's ironic)

4. Will friends that wronged me ever set things right?
The Ballad of the Broken Birdie Records - Mum (from the album Yesterday Was Dramatic)
Not really an answer to the question, but on that topic I do feel kinda like a broken birdie...so...
maybe the key to it is just healing on my own and flying away. (and avoid drama!)

5. Will Obama do a good job?
WTF - Tittsworth (Feat. Kid Sister & Paserock) (DJ Deekline & Ed Solo Remix)
Politicians often make me say What The Fuck, so...I think he'll probably leave us scratching our heads trying to figure it out. Things are pretty crazy in the world right now...so yeah-wtf. Seems apt.

6. What is the meaning of life?
Lucky Charm/Intuition Acapella - Erland Oye
The meaning of life...part luck and part intuition. Seems about right. No surprises there.

7. What will happen with the person I am currently "seeing" (term used loosely)
RUN DMC - You Talk Too Much
Yeah, I guess that's true. Thanks Run. I'll shut up now about it. This one is probably best left alone anyhow. Harder said than done, though.

8. On the topic of my health:
A Minor Incident - Badly Drawn Boy
Well, I'd hardly call it minor-I do have a serious disease (Scleroderma) but maybe I can look at it like...not the thing I should be focusing on and even if I'm in pain, to view my health problems as minor and push past. Yeah, I like that!

9. On the topic of world peace (or the lack thereof)
Grey - Ani Difranco
As colors go, grey is muted. Not a happy color, kinda somber. Sorta muddy, if you will.
A grey day can be very cozy, though...still, if we're trying to read this as a fortune-I think it's not the most positive answer. Boo.

10. Do dogs go to heaven or have an afterlife?
Hysteric - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Granted this is a silly question. I just have been thinking about my dog Dudley a lot lately, since I had to have him put down on May 7, 09. It's been a little over 3 months and I just wonder about dogs and their souls. I don't think their souls are any less important than a human soul. I wonder about human souls and afterlife too....but that being said....
How does that answer the question?
Websters dictionary defines hysteria as:
1 : a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability and disturbances of the psychic, sensory, vasomotor, and visceral functions
2 : behavior exhibiting overwhelming or unmanageable fear or emotional excess
I wouldn't say that I'm afraid or even that disturbed...and psychoneurosis does not sound good.
Let's just say...maybe it means, don't over think it. It is what it is.

So there you have it. iTunes Fortune Telling.
I think it was cathartic. Was it good for you?
(I'd love it if someone else would try this and comment on their findings.)

Just writing to write.
Lately I'm having problems sleeping. I feel tired and worn out and like I've been fighting off something. Something wicked this way comes.
I don't really have anything interesting to say.
I'm boring myself, really.
Ugh.

Channeling creativity is a bitch.
I have so much within me-I do. Getting it out is like, hard, y'all.

Today I've had about twelve creative ideas and then they either slip away from me,
or they're not fully fleshed out and then I get distracted.
I think I need to be more conscious about writing them down, good or bad when they come up.
At least that way I can flesh them out and see them through the planning stages.
Maybe I'll go take some pictures and then see what happens with them.
Today I've thought about drawing, painting, using photoshop, writing, jewelry making and printing out photos for collage. I've done pretty much none of those.

OK, executive decision...I'm gonna go take some photos with the Nikon. I'll put them up if they come out good.

Let's all go do something creative.
What do you say?!

Walking past the girls, posing on a rock for a photo in front of the artificial river.

One says through her fake smile..."Oh my god, I'm going to fall in"...!

I actually said out loud, "THAT would be funny."

I didn't mean to be cruel. I don't even think they heard me.
I'm just sick of everything
being so predictable.

An untimely fall into a water feature would really brighten my day.
That's not nice.
Still...

A couple weeks ago someone did something that surprised me.
I mean, I completely did NOT see that coming.
I like the way it sort of left me feeling dizzy with thoughts of "what just happened?!!"
How mind went tripping and falling all over itself trying to categorize or make sense of
this unforeseen action.

Usually the days go by the same same same.
It's like how in old Flintstones reruns if they are in a car or walking, the scenery going by loops over and over.
I guess the animators were being lazy-either that or they were existentialists saying life is a redundant exercise, so get used to it.

I'm ready for different and new. For new ways of thinking and looking at things.
If my current situation is going to stay the same for a while, as it has been, then I'm going
to write stories in which I can experience new things and ideas.

The urge to write is becoming stronger and stronger. I think it's leading me somewhere.
...I like it, for a change.

Wave Goodbye

Tears caused a tsunami
And nobody cared
Till the water came up
And nobody was spared.

The sorrow was felt
By one and by all,
As masks were put on
Tears continued to fall.

The waters rose up
Now hard to ignore-
So they built lakeside homes
And they partied till four.

Now living in boats
They forgot of dry land.
They pretended they chose it;
That indeed this was planned.

The sound of the crying
At first was white noise
So they turned up their music
And played with their toys.

When the tsunami came
I think they were relieved-
It was just too much work
To pretend not to grieve.

Note to self:

"One of the biggest mistakes I see from novel writers is that they are trying to write for an audience, for an agent, for an editor or for the market. Uh uh uh. The job of a writer is to put truth--your particular truth--onto the page. You want to put the blood on the page, you want to dig deep into your soul and in a sense, the only person you should be writing for is you. Write the book you want to read. Make your novel a question that obsesses you personally and in writing it, dig deep and find the answer. When you concentrate so deeply on what is important to you, it will become universal--and then it will be important to others." -- Author Caroline Leavitt

Must push letters on keyboard....

Writing to you from inside my giant creativity suck hole...I think I just have to write through it, or I'll just stop all together and have to watch tv all day, munching anti depressants like they were bon-bons.

So yeah...here I am-writer. There you are...reader. Fuck, now what?!

I'll just free associate...just so long as some letters are getting typed into this computer thingy-then technically I'm "writing".

I feel like I'm sitting in a cube of jello lately. I can look around me but everything is distorted and I can move, but I feel like I'm moving underwater. Tired, sluggish, crabby, and no-not pms'ing. I am having spiritual pms. I'm not getting my flow-as it were.

Surrounded by things I should be doing, I peer at them like the enemy across the battlefield. Distractions taunt me. The books yell "read me, stupid!" and the t.v. blusters "turn me on baby, my dvr is full of fun!" Then the bed cries "if you're not going to make me, then get in me and stop fucking around on that damn computer."
I think I took that scenario too far. I am not so far gone as to think that the furniture is talking to me, don't worry-I'm good. ...Well...goodish. Ok, I'm so-so.

Immobility-that's the word that pops into my head. I feel so stuck in my rut. Like a needle skipping over a record constantly until you get so annoyed you have to get up and bump the turntable. I need to bump the proverbial turntable. I started gathering steam to try to motivate myself out of inactivity. Wait, try to motivate-that's sort of weak. Like I'll try to try.
I was trying-read previous blog posts...I was gung ho, as they say. Now this ho is not so gung, I guess. It's a constant battle, and I have to continue to fight the good fight. I use alot of cliches, don't I? Note to self: Stop using trite cliches. Note to self: saying note to self is a trite cliche.

Hey short attention span!!
Yes, I'm talking to you, twitterhead.

Keep your eyes on the blog-stop checking your facebook to see what John Hughes character your friends are...just keep writing.

But it's hard! The internet woos me like shiny things distract kittens. I just want to Wikipedia dragonflies. Michelle said she saw a bunch. I wonder if they have eyes. Woah they have great big eyes...bug out.

OVER HERE!

Ok...I'm writing I'm writing. See?! ...Letters. Words. Punctuation.

Just writing what comes into my head. If you are reading this you may not know what to make of me, and it's not really my place to tell you. Some people find politics fascinating. Some people read Danielle Steele. Some people are interested in what's going on in the world, while others are still fascinated by news of Michael Jackson's death and autopsy findings. It's a free country if you want to be an idiot there's nothing stopping you. In fact, that's the American dream. I think that's why our country is in trubs. Yeah, I said trubs. You knew what I meant. I can be cutting edge and still be viably hip. [Note to self: (which I said I wasn't going to do anymore but-fuck it) You are NOT hip. Just by using the word "hip" shows how very NOT you are.] I don't like politics or Danielle Steele. (Or Danielle Steele's politics, for that matter.)

Well, this particular writing exercise has reached it's witty zenith. That was not at all cathartic.
Thanks for nothing.

I am in a creativity black hole.
Send help.

Rise above, phoenix...oh wait, ashes first, right.

As I go through my hard times in life, I keep thinking it will get better. I know a positive attitude is what's going to get me through it and on to greener pastures, but jesus h. christ it's hard to remain positive.

Why do I always have to be the bigger person? Why do I always have to reach out to others and be loving, even when they're being hateful? What is it in me that pushes me forward to continue to be upbeat, loving, forgiving and caring-when it seems that the world treats me much the opposite?

Hell...ya got me. But like Dory the absent-minded fish in 'Finding Nemo' sang, "...Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...".

Ok, and note to self: No more blogging on Ambien. Ok, enough said.

Last week was a really tough week, but when I look back on it now, I see the growth that came out of it. I see now, with hindsight, that it not only happened for a reason, but that it needed to happen for several reasons. Not just for reasons that affect my life either. I don't want to sound to new age-y, but I am having some really deep spiritual epiphanies (aka a-ha moments) where like...stuff just sort of seems to be clicking in.

Not like I suddenly just am getting everything. That would be pretty far from the truth. I'd say the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. I've heard people say that before, but it never seemed more true. There are so many different levels to everything and really, it just depends on which one you happen to be concentrating on that you can actually see it. So, you kind of have to know of it's presence to be able to see it. In order to know some of these deep truths, you have to first spiritually intuit them, before you can even conceptualize of them. It reminds me of a story I heard in which an Indian medicine man keeps looking out over the water and eventually realizes something is different. He looks every day...barely seeing anything, but somehow realizing that there is a shimmer of difference which he does not understand. He looked and looked for many days...until he saw it. Ships were coming towards him. Now of course, he had no frame of reference, because he had no concept of a ship. Now, I don't know how true this is, but conceptually I understand what was meant by the story.

I need to stop drowning out my inner voices all the time with constant tv, computer, movies and music, (see earlier post on this topic) and start listening to and writing down the wisdom that comes to me in quiet moments. I need to have some more quiet moments. Easier said than done. Still, I'm saying it.

Ok, let me just start by saying I am waiting for my Ambien to take effect. It often leads to groupings or words I may not ordinarily use. *blink* My mind is like...the floor of the stock exchange. There are bells ringing and people jumping up and down, future securities (which lets face it, seem bleak) I watch too much tv, and I spend too much time on my computer. When I'm away from this big ol' behemouth, i have my like girly iphone with interchangeable skins to match my mood swings. i need to be away from all this technocracy that has more than infiltrated my brain. i am becoming wiki-i know a little about a lot. it all makes me dizzy. in fact by bed is staring at me like-"you dumb ass, get your white ass in this bed. why does my room feel like it's rocking like a boat. ok. time to go play the capain of my bed. and stut off this infernal sturm and drunk. i think i may hurl.
peace out.

Ok, so this week isn't really as successful as I imagined it would be. My ex boyfriend decided our friendship wasn't worth working at retaining...now my father and brother are being verbally abusive to me. I feel ignored and unappreciated and the people that aren't ignoring me are just being hateful. Somehow I have to turn this around. I just took two Xanax because today is making me feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

My dad and my brother are two sides of the same coin and both sides are horrible and dark. (and threatening me and abusing me cruelly) I just need to lay down. Writing isn't helping. I feel just ill.

I haven't written for a few days. I felt bad about it, but then I realized, every day is a new day.
So, yeah...guess this one is going to be more of a journal entry.

Yesterday and today I've been in a pretty crappy depressed mood. Yesterday I was just a bitch. I don't know...maybe it's the 115 degree heat or today the heat combined with the humidity just made me feel sick and tired. I'm guessing it's the weather that's getting to me. Also, it's just that I feel really lonely. I moved here a year ago and I have like...3 friends. It's hard to meet friends here in the middle of the desert because there are a lot of older people and not a lot of people my age. I feel crabby and not even like writing. I am feeling like guys are jerks. I need to learn to just be happy on my own-but seriously haven't hung out with a friend in like two weeks.

Blagh.

Is it possible to be friends with ex lovers? I used to think it was, but now I see that it is highly unlikely that it could work.

In the age of Myspace and Facebook, keeping ex lovers as "friends" has been elevated to a sport. After all, not much you have to do to retain a friend on those sites. Somehow, just knowing that you have a connection to them still is reassuring enough that you can move on. You don't have to call or write really, except maybe the occaisional wall post declaring "happy birthday...". The term friend is now different, I have (slowly) come to find out. Because an ex love is your "friend" on one of these sites, does not mean that they will return your call when you decide that you miss talking to them. Don't be fooled by this false friendship. I was.

Come to find out that he doesn't think that we can relate to one another and he doesn't wish to retain the friendship. He doesn't hate me or even dislike me, in fact he "thinks I'm a pretty amazing person"...but that we are just too different.

Do friends have to be exactly alike? I must have missed that memo. In pulling apart that email, I surmise that he is not friend material, and that I was blinded to his assholiness by my deep virus-like love for him. I am no longer blinded and I am shocked that I missed all the big clues pointing to what a dickhead he really was.

Delete. Defriend. Deep breath. Move on.

parting shot. i couldn't resist.

It's all about perception.

Everything.

Doesn't that just blow your mind?

As you see it, so it is.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

If you love someone and think they're fantastic, they are.
If you hate someone and think them intolerable, well then, they're that.
Reality is subjective.

Is anything just black and white, true or false?
Even science has more grey areas than scientists would like to admit.

So then if it's true that everything is subjective, can the subject choose his reality by changing his perception at will? Recently I've come to believe that it's entirely possible.
Part of the trick is believing that it's true. It seems too simple. It's gotta be more complex than that. Our minds are always looking for the catch, and thus skipping over the most fundamental and elemental of truths.

Change your perspective. Put on a new pair of glasses from which to see things.
Woah, trip out. Think about that for a while.

Waking from the long sleep...

Perched on the edge of change, she waits.

It used to frighten her, but now it's gotten to the point where she's just anxious for it to happen already. She has moved away from the fear of the unknown. Granted, she knows it will not be easy, there will be a lot of work involved. In a detached way she wonders if she is up to the task.

It's only lately that the realization has kicked in that life is not a dress rehearsal and the sleeper is waking slowly, groggy and in need of caffeine. She is not a stupid girl, merely complacent and situations have not forced her hand yet. She knows that they soon will, and so she shakes the cobwebs out, and blinks repetitively, looking around her like it's the first time she's seen this place.

Can I just be quiet?

Today I realized that there are WAY too many distractions from thinking and being creative.

Ok well, let's see...there's Facebook, Twitter and the timesuck that is the internet in general. There are the two magazines I subscribe to (Wired and Entertainment Weekly) and the books I have yet to read, not to mention the books I read on my iPhone Stanza app (much like a Kindle). *Sigh* ...and then there's television. My good old childhood friend. Now, with the advent of the DVR, I have a backlog of shows that I need to catch up on (what is this, entertainment, or homework?) There are all the DVDs that I have yet to watch from the movies I rented and then ripped and cataloged-also, the movies I have downloaded onto my external hard drive.
I have the complete six season set of Northern Exposure (great show, worth the re-watching) and the first seasons of Star Trek TNG and Bones...seriously, I could go on. Did I mention that my cable provider has movies on demand??!

How is a girl supposed to get any thinking done? How with all this noise and drama, can I possibly sit down and try to be a productive member of society?

Have you ever tried to just sit and think, or to meditate and been distracted from it within seconds because you thought of a song you HAD to hear or realized shit, it's Thursday and Burn Notice is waiting on my DVR? I am just starting to realize how addicted I am to the media that drips like an IV into my psyche day and night. Am I ever in my car without the music on? How long has it been since I just lit a candle and sat in my room and thought about stuff? Shit!
Has the MTV generation turned us into a bunch of A.D.D addled manic depressives? I am also just realizing that all of these things are solo pursuits, subsequently keeping us separate from "normal social interaction" (i.e. Facebook and Twitter as a primary means of communication with friends for months at a time does not count as normal.)

I'm going to try to sit here for ten minutes without doing anything. I bet it feels like an hour.
Wish me luck.

The new style...

I am starting a new blog…as you can see.

Confucius said “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step” andI’m starting to understand that philosophy.

I have always wanted to embrace my creativity and “do something” with my creative abilities. It just always felt so daunting. Like the biggest hurdle, I couldn’t possibly jump. So I did nothing. I’ve sat by and watched friends and family succeed and thrive, and I continued to do nothing. Lately, I have been listening to the book “Excuses Be Gone,” by Dr. Wayne Dyer, and in it he explains several ways in which we sabotage ourselves by using excuses that we fully accept as truth. I have to say it hits very close to home and has been very inspiring. When I use the excuse “It’s too big,” he answers with the affirmation: “I think only about what I can do now. By thinking small, I can accomplish great things”. Wow, it’s so simple, but it makes total sense, and somehow it jimmies me out of the rut I’ve been in since, well, forever.

I've been so stuck in my own tracks, I began to feel like I was stuck for good. (Or for bad, as the case may be.) So now, I'm heading into a new paradigm wherein I will do something…anything…and a little at a time.

With this new philosophy, yesterday I went to the city college here to look into the possibility of taking a creative writing course, and possibly a digital photography course. It was fun, I mean…at least I was looking into the future and trying to put things in it that I know I could accomplish. It may not be much, but it’s a start. I have made a promise to myself and a good friend of mine, Dan (shoutout!), who is a successful writer slash producer, that I would start writing a little each day. He didn’t know of my new regime, yet his idea fit right into what I was hearing I should do in order to overcome roadblocks. Interesting how the universe works when we are open to receive.

In the past I have tried to blog, but I only ended up using it as therapy, to complain about the crap that was going down in my life…In looking back on the last one, all I do is moan about my ex- boyfriend and how shitty he treated me. I mean, it’s useful, but only in so much as I see how stuck in a loop I can get. I mean, yeah, he was a selfish asshole- but so why did I continue to vie for his attention??!! It was a ridiculous and painful waste of time and it was morosely self-indulgent. I guess it was what I needed to do at the time though, and everything I am now is due to all that I have experienced. That said, I will not feel stupid about that part of my life. I found a lot things out about myself during that period, which I won’t go into for now. Still….I would like for this blog to be different.
I want to write short stories and poems, as well as talk about some of the things I’m going through in my daily life and my views of the world around me. I’d like to be able to post pictures, as I really enjoy taking them and sharing them. I also would like to have a twitter-feed so that my constant use of twitter is at least slightly more productive(!). I'd like to use this as a training ground for future creative endeavors, in hopes that I will one day be able to figure out what it is I love the most, and then do that for a living. So what if I'm just figuring it all out now...Some people never do.

New me is anxious to get it started, but confident that I will achieve. Old me would have probably quit already. So at this point, I have to pat myself on the back for making a start. ...For sitting down and writing, even though there are a million other things that my procrastinating self would like to do. I'm a little nervous that I'll revert to my old patterns and not follow through with this...and also slightly terrified of what comes next...but, like I said, (or actually like Confucious said), A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. Yeah so uh, keep coming back, it works if you work it.