Groundhog day...again.

This last week has been a hard one. I hate to sound redundant and/or negative, but Jesus-it's just like fucking Groundhog Day. While I realize that I am the only one that can pull myself out of my loop, I feel helpless to do so. If I can't, then who will?!

No one. Exactly.

Somehow, I've always figured in the recesses of my brain, that there would be a knight in shining armor coming to my emotional rescue (thanks, Mick.). I think he may have had a horrible accident while on the way to pick me up. That, or he never really existed. Oh...or he's just really frickin slow. See, I'm just not ready to let the idea die. Maybe I just need to figure some more stuff out on my own before his arrival. I am not prepared to let go of the idea that there is someone out there for me. A soul mate, a life partner-the yin to my yang.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two
You were looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine
That's the pain
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart
We called it love

--Origin of Love (Hedwig & The Angry Inch)

Yeah so, in thinking of all that nonsense, that song came to mind. It's sort of violent in origin, but that's life. I do think that there is someone out there for me that is sort of erupting from inside of my soul. Ok, so maybe that sounded super cheese-but it felt right in my head. How can you argue with that logic?!

Someone suggested this to me in an email recently:

"...Have you sat down and wrote a list of all of the qualities you want in a partner? Do you imagine what he is like? DO IT! You will find that it comes to you. I swear. I have been so lucky to have supportive, kind, loyal men in my life. And I am certain it is because I REALLY focused on the kind of person I wanted in my life. Sometimes I was too strict and unopen. But mostly I was defining what I wanted and asking the universe for it."

Ok, so I sat down and did it, because it seemed to make sense, if only in the sense that it certainly couldn't hurt to know what precisely this chap would look like (and not look like).

Here's what I came up with so far:

Soulmate Qualities:

· Smart

· Honest

· Funny loves to laugh

· Quick wit

· Caring/Empathetic/Sympathetic

· Patient

· Motivated and Motivating/good follow-through

· Slow to anger

· Attractive/Stylish

· Takes good care of himself

· Emotionally available

· Sensitive but manly

· Encouraging

· Spiritual

· Sexual/Sensual

· Artistic

· Good with finances

· Responsible

· Loving/openly affectionate

· Excellent communicator

· Good listener/knows when to just listen

· Good taste in music

· Well read and fairly cultured

Dealbreakers:

· Habitual Smoker

· Big drinker/druggie

· Religious as opposed to Spiritual

· Non-commital

· Emotionally unavailable

· Dishonest

· Inflexible

· Self centered

· Flakey

· Mean to others; trash talker

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...So now that I've done that, what am I supposed to do?

A/meditate on it

B/make an offering to the Gods, burn shit, chant

C/mail it to Santa/Jesus

D/wait another 41 years

E/all of the above

F/none of the above

...Sigh.