oh ps...

This morning I had a serious of fun and happy dreams. I can't remember for the life of me what they were about...I just remember waking up smiling and being happy. When you haven't been for a while, those feelings tend to be all the more sweet.

not sad, DEPRESSED and magic pills, don't think so...

Depression is a very real thing.

Sure, when something "bad" happens or you're sad, etc-you may call that being depressed. In one definition of the term, that is true.

However, actual depression can be debilitating and not just "sad feelings" but an illness that you can't get out from under. I've experienced being manic before, in my twenties. That was no fun, and I got treatment for that at the time. I think largely contributing to this illness is several things going wrong or feeling so many horrible things at once,until the last thing which is just the "straw that breaks the camel's back". I had it then, and I have had it lately.

I, like all of us, am only human. I can only handle so much shit at once. Combine my health problems and chronic pain, with my caretaker's job of my handicapped father and dealing with his pain and depression, complete isolation from friends and anything remotely fun...and more that I won't even go into-you have what is/was THE PERFECT STORM.

I asked my physician for anti-depressants and he prescribed something. I had yet to take it, when I started having chest pains and feeling dizzy. At first I though it was a panic attack. I took an ambien and went to bed. Those same feelings persisted through the next day, which lead me to think that it may not be anxiety, but an actual cardiac situation. I got myself to the ER and spent a glorious afternoon and evening on a friday night, connected to machines and poked and prodded. Because of my Scleroderma, you can't be too careful. Also, you can't fuck around when it comes to your heart. They didn't find anything conclusive, and I ended up back at home. Since then it has come and gone, but mostly gone...I know I need to get to a cardiologist for more tests. However this week, I am dealing with dental problems and needed a tooth extraction and a very expensive bridge built. Again, more shit piled on top of my previous pile. Yet somehow over the weekend, the depression seemed to lift a bit. I did not take the medication, as I had a very bad feeling about it, and I tend to trust my intuition. I purchased it, however, for fourty dollars before I realized I was not going to subject my body to this.
Read what others have said about taking this drug, and tell me if you'd take this EVER:

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=21427

Anyhow...I am working on setting my focus a little more straight so when the shit storm comes through again (as it invariably will) I will be able to ride it out. (Without the help of medication)

Do magic "all better" pills really exist anyhow? I'm thinking, no.