Retarded Loser Strikes Again...

This is a post where I vent my frustrations instead of acting out.

Mostly I am mad at myself. Mad because I allow myself to fall for guys that are totally emotionally unavailable. They make it very clear. I accept, because I am lonely and figure, well...a friend that I enjoy is better then being alone. Thing is, I'm not so sure it is. Every time I try to engage them via text message or facebook or...whatever the medium we happen be using, I hurt when I'm rejected. I think I lose a little more self esteem every time.

Why do I always have to be the one trying to get together? Even though I know for fact that every time we do hang out we both laugh and enjoy each other, that doesn't seem to encourage them to instigate togetherness. Romantic or otherwise, I feel like this is a pattern that is repeated with everyone. The ones I happen to be romantic with just make it more vividly painful and obvious.
I can't say anything much, or I lose "a friend" and I use that term loosely because clearly a real friend wouldn't make me feel this way. I don't want to seem too needy but, truth be told, I am needy-I need a friend. Sadly, one of the only friends I have here where I have been living for the past year is a guy that I fool around with. Not often, or as often as I would like, but we do. I would be friends with him even if we weren't romantically linked. I mean, he is a cool guy, and like I said, we always have a great time when we're together. So now, I am lonely, really gut wrenchingly lonely...AND I feel rejected because when I try to connect with him (and it's always me trying) and he turns me down, I feel like like shit on the bottom of a shoe. I understand he won't always want to hang out when I ask him...but at least he could be sweet about it-realizing that I am putting myself out there to even ask. Perhaps say something like...tonight isn't good for me, but thanks for asking. How bout sometime next week? Fuck. I feel like acting out. I went to send him an email on this topic...but fell short of sending, as I realized it would just turn him off and away. Not sure I am ready to do that. I then impulsively deleted him as my friend. I figured eventually he'll notice, and go-what the fuck?! But even after doing so, I felt like a bratty little kid acting out, and I re-added him with a note saying "I accidentally deleted you, please re add." I feel like the king of all dipshits. Oh, and yeah, I feel really fucking lonely.