When it comes to dudes, I think it's just best that I don't call, text or facebook.
I am not to be trusted when I have a crappy day or I feel hurt. I can not control my fingers. The neediness just comes pouring out.
Bad fingers.

Retarded Loser Strikes Again...

This is a post where I vent my frustrations instead of acting out.

Mostly I am mad at myself. Mad because I allow myself to fall for guys that are totally emotionally unavailable. They make it very clear. I accept, because I am lonely and figure, well...a friend that I enjoy is better then being alone. Thing is, I'm not so sure it is. Every time I try to engage them via text message or facebook or...whatever the medium we happen be using, I hurt when I'm rejected. I think I lose a little more self esteem every time.

Why do I always have to be the one trying to get together? Even though I know for fact that every time we do hang out we both laugh and enjoy each other, that doesn't seem to encourage them to instigate togetherness. Romantic or otherwise, I feel like this is a pattern that is repeated with everyone. The ones I happen to be romantic with just make it more vividly painful and obvious.
I can't say anything much, or I lose "a friend" and I use that term loosely because clearly a real friend wouldn't make me feel this way. I don't want to seem too needy but, truth be told, I am needy-I need a friend. Sadly, one of the only friends I have here where I have been living for the past year is a guy that I fool around with. Not often, or as often as I would like, but we do. I would be friends with him even if we weren't romantically linked. I mean, he is a cool guy, and like I said, we always have a great time when we're together. So now, I am lonely, really gut wrenchingly lonely...AND I feel rejected because when I try to connect with him (and it's always me trying) and he turns me down, I feel like like shit on the bottom of a shoe. I understand he won't always want to hang out when I ask him...but at least he could be sweet about it-realizing that I am putting myself out there to even ask. Perhaps say something like...tonight isn't good for me, but thanks for asking. How bout sometime next week? Fuck. I feel like acting out. I went to send him an email on this topic...but fell short of sending, as I realized it would just turn him off and away. Not sure I am ready to do that. I then impulsively deleted him as my friend. I figured eventually he'll notice, and go-what the fuck?! But even after doing so, I felt like a bratty little kid acting out, and I re-added him with a note saying "I accidentally deleted you, please re add." I feel like the king of all dipshits. Oh, and yeah, I feel really fucking lonely.

TweetStories #1

Said I:
Dear readers: I am creatively blocked. Please send me ANY ideas for short stories and I promise I'll try em! Could be fun! Respond now!

Said twitter friend supreme:
StereoForBrains@iKeralot Remember the old story about the last man on earth who hears a knock at his door? Write what happens afterward. Sounds interesting

Ok, I'll give it a go.



As he set about his tasks, the phrase "not if you were the last man left on earth"echoed around in Chance's head. It resonated mostly because he was.
(...And yes, he did realize his name was ironic.)

Little did Earth know, earlier that year, but it was just about at the apex of it's doom. Well, human's doom, I should say. The planet didn't explode or fly out of it's gravitational orbit, the people,well...they just died. If there was anyone left to speculate, you can be sure there would be many theories, but alas every last doctor, researcher, scientist and the like, was most assuredly extinct.

Chance had been hiking for about a week on his own. Gathering up silent moments like rare gems, he basked in the absence of noise. The only thing he heard was the birds and the insects and the water pushing past the rocks of his camp. He wasn't antisocial, so much the opposite, that this was the only way he could gather his thoughts when he had to do his "deep thinking".
Some big stuff was going down in his life, and he needed to really think things through without the city noise and computer babble.

At the end of the week, he felt rested and resolved, ready to conquer all of the demons at his door. Actually, some really great things were coming down the wire, and he knew now what he would do next. Looking forward to his life back at home, he drove back into the city. After a week of solitude he had grown rather lonely, and was thinking about his girlfriend slash possible future fiance, Sarah, and what they could order in for dinner.

He had left at the crack of the crack of dawn, in order to make it back before rush hour traffic, and was pleased with himself when there was none. Pleased led to confused, as the sun continued it's climb and the cars didn't exponentially appear. That's strange, he thought, his eyebrows knitting together. ...Ordinarily, he'd be doing a happy dance for the lack of stop and go, but this was just plain wrong. Uneasiness settled in him to the point where his intuition now definitely told him something was horribly wrong. He stopped the car in the center lane of the 405 freeway. No one honked.

After a week of brutal realization, Chance came to understand that he was the only person left. He couldn't say for sure that there was no one left anywhere on god's green earth, but he could pretty much say without a doubt there sure as hell was no one here. Well, no one alive. Never having liked the horror or science fiction genres, his psyche would not let him dwell on the decomposing bodies that littered the streets. He could barely deal with it, so he deftly stuffed those type of details in a tiny room in his brain and firmly locked the door. Body, what dead body? Stench? What stench? He donned a gas mask he acquired at the Army Navy Surplus, and went about his business- the business of coping with the fucking Twilight Zone reality that was now his lot.

I'll just skip the part of his mental breakdown, because really, it's pretty cliche. When one finds themselves in this situation, naturually they are going to melt down. ...Have bad dreams. ...Throw large items off tall buildings while screaming, etc. None of those things changed the reality of it, and, being a pretty level headed guy, he moved on.

After that, as any of us would, he did all the things one thinks of in this macabre scenario. He collected diamonds until he had bags that overflowed. He drove every kind of car he could never afford, as fast as he could. He went through people's homes and looked at their personal and warped effects. It all got pretty old, pretty fast.

He chose a house that suited him inside and out. Never in a million years did he imagine that he would live in such a beautiful home. He spent weeks filling it with every creature comfort he could think of. Of course all food had to be imperishable, but in this day and age, that was pretty doable. He stocked and decorated, till he was pretty sure he had the best damn fortress any one could ever imagine. This took up weeks of his time, and he singlemindedly went about doing it.

Once done, the silence, no longer like a rare gem, was now oppressive. He longed for the city noise and often dreampt about it...waking up only to hear a nothingness so loud it hurt his eardrums. Laying in what could factually be called the most comfortable bed known to man, he looked out the window and really contemplated the nothingness. In that silence of silence, a sudden knock on the door made his heart stop. His stomach dropped like rock thrown into the ocean. The noise echoed through the house, or was it just in his head, sharp and loud, a staccato beat. His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. He couldn't move, he was frozen and suddenly so dizzy and cold, his last thought before his heart gave out...

"This is seriously fucked, now I'll never know who was at the godamned door."

Don't read this and DON'T comment....

Why do we care if people read our blogs or not? Why do we crave comments?
Do we write to be read and acknowledged, or do we write to vent and to engage our creative minds? I guess it's healthy to say all of the above, I'd be lying otherwise.

If you read me, I'd love to know...the universe can feel awfully big and we can feel awfully small. Generally though, you can wait until I say something really profound or something that resonates with you...but then, no excuses...please chime in.

If you comment on this blog though, you're just a kiss ass. Ha ha. Kidding...
(...or am I?!)

A LONE GIRL

I'm tired of seeing all my friends happy pictures with their loving spouses and children, feeling as lonely as I do. I mean, it's not like I'm not happy that they are happy, I am. Seriously though, how much loneliness can one person take? Why do these pictures taunt me?

Aren't I worthy of the same kind of love and fulfillment? I'm 41 and I've never had that. Only once have I really been "in love". I mean, sick in love...and how did that turn out? He broke my heart eight ways till Sunday. He abused my feelings for him, by taking them and using them to his benefit, never once giving me what I needed or wanted. He treated me like I was a vacation from his real life. Now, once again, I find myself in a "relationship" which is not really a "relationship" where he gets what he wants when he wants it, and then can take me or leave me until the next time we hang out.

Somehow, this is my fault. This pattern that I allow men to treat me badly is my fault. I just don't understand why I haven't met someone that sees the goodness and love in me and wants to engage in a loving relationship. I don't think I can make that happen, and yet on facebook, the majority of my high school friends and others I have made over the span of my lifetime, have found love and started families. I want that. I don't want to give up on it, and yet it feels like I am so mind numbingly alone since forever and that feeling stretches into infinity...

Hoppy the Begging Bird

Yesterday, when I took my father out to lunch I saw something that touched me.
There was a little black bird, hopping around near the door of the restaurant with it's mouth wide open. Back and fourth it hopped, never once closing it's mouth. From it's erratic behavior, I could tell it was sick or just plain starving. I started to think, how clever it was for hopping around right in front of the door-like a little beggar. I had to go inside and find it some bread.

Then I started thinking...people get hungry too...the bird was symbolizing to me that there are creatures that need to be provided for. That same day I was driving and on the exit of the freeway that I had to get off at, there is always a homeless person begging with a sign. I thought as I approached, oh no, I just can't handle it today, my heart bleeds too much for these people and I just don't want to feel it.
When I slowed to a stop at the exit, there were actually four people begging at the light. I had never seen that before. I started thinking I need to make them sandwiches or...do something. Once I got to my destination, I cried because I felt so helpless.

incidentally, this is not the afore mentioned bird.
this is a reenactment. a stand-in bird, if you will.

This week has been THE most non productive week ever.
I just wasn't feeling well in any way. I need to shake myself out of this.

Most interesting part of the week: bought a Wii and a Wii fit.
Most interesting part of the week Part II: I'm returning it tomorrow. (I was also thinking maybe I'd just keep it an extra week and rent a few games, then return it, make it worth having done it in the first place. Yay for Costco)

I'm just not that into it and it cost $350 bucks all together. It's just not worth it to me. My cousin was saying, it takes a lot of time and effort to get good at some of these games...and I was like...ugh, I don't want to do that. The computer is enough of a time suck, not to mention the iphone and the movies and tv shows on my dvr and movies and tv shows backed up on my external hard drive. Oh, and the books I'm reading and art projects, etc. I just can't be bothered by this wii contraption.

I was invited to a little party for a girlfriend of mine that got married tonight-sorta last minute, but it's nice to be invited. I have been longing for some human interaction.

Oh yeah and last night I went over to my afore mentioned little cousin's house to play Wii resort. We also watched the season finale (my second time) of Nurse Jackie. Kind of a disappointing ending, but...we'll see what they do next season.

I will attempt to be more creative on here tomorrow. Check back. :)

Anyone? Beuller?...

Does anyone read my blog?? No one ever comments.
If a blog gets written in the forest...

iTunes Shuffle Fortune Telling for 8.18.09

So, I've written out 10 questions and/or topics...now I will put my iTunes on shuffle
and see if they address my questions...here goes nothing:

1. Will I be successful in my creative endeavours?
Waiting in Vain - Bob Marley
Ok, not sure how to interpret that. I'm gonna say it's not a negative...it just means, don't wait. Make it happen.

2. What will come of my love life?
The Beloved - Yusef
Cool. I'm gonna take that as a positive affirmation. (ps. Yusef is the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens)

3. What will happen with my father and his poor health?
Feel My Flow - Naughty By Nature
My interpretation of this one is just...go with the flow, it will take it's course and I should feel for him. (By the way, my dad is TOTALLY "naughty by nature" so that's ironic)

4. Will friends that wronged me ever set things right?
The Ballad of the Broken Birdie Records - Mum (from the album Yesterday Was Dramatic)
Not really an answer to the question, but on that topic I do feel kinda like a broken birdie...so...
maybe the key to it is just healing on my own and flying away. (and avoid drama!)

5. Will Obama do a good job?
WTF - Tittsworth (Feat. Kid Sister & Paserock) (DJ Deekline & Ed Solo Remix)
Politicians often make me say What The Fuck, so...I think he'll probably leave us scratching our heads trying to figure it out. Things are pretty crazy in the world right now...so yeah-wtf. Seems apt.

6. What is the meaning of life?
Lucky Charm/Intuition Acapella - Erland Oye
The meaning of life...part luck and part intuition. Seems about right. No surprises there.

7. What will happen with the person I am currently "seeing" (term used loosely)
RUN DMC - You Talk Too Much
Yeah, I guess that's true. Thanks Run. I'll shut up now about it. This one is probably best left alone anyhow. Harder said than done, though.

8. On the topic of my health:
A Minor Incident - Badly Drawn Boy
Well, I'd hardly call it minor-I do have a serious disease (Scleroderma) but maybe I can look at it like...not the thing I should be focusing on and even if I'm in pain, to view my health problems as minor and push past. Yeah, I like that!

9. On the topic of world peace (or the lack thereof)
Grey - Ani Difranco
As colors go, grey is muted. Not a happy color, kinda somber. Sorta muddy, if you will.
A grey day can be very cozy, though...still, if we're trying to read this as a fortune-I think it's not the most positive answer. Boo.

10. Do dogs go to heaven or have an afterlife?
Hysteric - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Granted this is a silly question. I just have been thinking about my dog Dudley a lot lately, since I had to have him put down on May 7, 09. It's been a little over 3 months and I just wonder about dogs and their souls. I don't think their souls are any less important than a human soul. I wonder about human souls and afterlife too....but that being said....
How does that answer the question?
Websters dictionary defines hysteria as:
1 : a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability and disturbances of the psychic, sensory, vasomotor, and visceral functions
2 : behavior exhibiting overwhelming or unmanageable fear or emotional excess
I wouldn't say that I'm afraid or even that disturbed...and psychoneurosis does not sound good.
Let's just say...maybe it means, don't over think it. It is what it is.

So there you have it. iTunes Fortune Telling.
I think it was cathartic. Was it good for you?
(I'd love it if someone else would try this and comment on their findings.)

Just writing to write.
Lately I'm having problems sleeping. I feel tired and worn out and like I've been fighting off something. Something wicked this way comes.
I don't really have anything interesting to say.
I'm boring myself, really.
Ugh.

Channeling creativity is a bitch.
I have so much within me-I do. Getting it out is like, hard, y'all.

Today I've had about twelve creative ideas and then they either slip away from me,
or they're not fully fleshed out and then I get distracted.
I think I need to be more conscious about writing them down, good or bad when they come up.
At least that way I can flesh them out and see them through the planning stages.
Maybe I'll go take some pictures and then see what happens with them.
Today I've thought about drawing, painting, using photoshop, writing, jewelry making and printing out photos for collage. I've done pretty much none of those.

OK, executive decision...I'm gonna go take some photos with the Nikon. I'll put them up if they come out good.

Let's all go do something creative.
What do you say?!

Walking past the girls, posing on a rock for a photo in front of the artificial river.

One says through her fake smile..."Oh my god, I'm going to fall in"...!

I actually said out loud, "THAT would be funny."

I didn't mean to be cruel. I don't even think they heard me.
I'm just sick of everything
being so predictable.

An untimely fall into a water feature would really brighten my day.
That's not nice.
Still...

A couple weeks ago someone did something that surprised me.
I mean, I completely did NOT see that coming.
I like the way it sort of left me feeling dizzy with thoughts of "what just happened?!!"
How mind went tripping and falling all over itself trying to categorize or make sense of
this unforeseen action.

Usually the days go by the same same same.
It's like how in old Flintstones reruns if they are in a car or walking, the scenery going by loops over and over.
I guess the animators were being lazy-either that or they were existentialists saying life is a redundant exercise, so get used to it.

I'm ready for different and new. For new ways of thinking and looking at things.
If my current situation is going to stay the same for a while, as it has been, then I'm going
to write stories in which I can experience new things and ideas.

The urge to write is becoming stronger and stronger. I think it's leading me somewhere.
...I like it, for a change.

Wave Goodbye

Tears caused a tsunami
And nobody cared
Till the water came up
And nobody was spared.

The sorrow was felt
By one and by all,
As masks were put on
Tears continued to fall.

The waters rose up
Now hard to ignore-
So they built lakeside homes
And they partied till four.

Now living in boats
They forgot of dry land.
They pretended they chose it;
That indeed this was planned.

The sound of the crying
At first was white noise
So they turned up their music
And played with their toys.

When the tsunami came
I think they were relieved-
It was just too much work
To pretend not to grieve.

Note to self:

"One of the biggest mistakes I see from novel writers is that they are trying to write for an audience, for an agent, for an editor or for the market. Uh uh uh. The job of a writer is to put truth--your particular truth--onto the page. You want to put the blood on the page, you want to dig deep into your soul and in a sense, the only person you should be writing for is you. Write the book you want to read. Make your novel a question that obsesses you personally and in writing it, dig deep and find the answer. When you concentrate so deeply on what is important to you, it will become universal--and then it will be important to others." -- Author Caroline Leavitt

Must push letters on keyboard....

Writing to you from inside my giant creativity suck hole...I think I just have to write through it, or I'll just stop all together and have to watch tv all day, munching anti depressants like they were bon-bons.

So yeah...here I am-writer. There you are...reader. Fuck, now what?!

I'll just free associate...just so long as some letters are getting typed into this computer thingy-then technically I'm "writing".

I feel like I'm sitting in a cube of jello lately. I can look around me but everything is distorted and I can move, but I feel like I'm moving underwater. Tired, sluggish, crabby, and no-not pms'ing. I am having spiritual pms. I'm not getting my flow-as it were.

Surrounded by things I should be doing, I peer at them like the enemy across the battlefield. Distractions taunt me. The books yell "read me, stupid!" and the t.v. blusters "turn me on baby, my dvr is full of fun!" Then the bed cries "if you're not going to make me, then get in me and stop fucking around on that damn computer."
I think I took that scenario too far. I am not so far gone as to think that the furniture is talking to me, don't worry-I'm good. ...Well...goodish. Ok, I'm so-so.

Immobility-that's the word that pops into my head. I feel so stuck in my rut. Like a needle skipping over a record constantly until you get so annoyed you have to get up and bump the turntable. I need to bump the proverbial turntable. I started gathering steam to try to motivate myself out of inactivity. Wait, try to motivate-that's sort of weak. Like I'll try to try.
I was trying-read previous blog posts...I was gung ho, as they say. Now this ho is not so gung, I guess. It's a constant battle, and I have to continue to fight the good fight. I use alot of cliches, don't I? Note to self: Stop using trite cliches. Note to self: saying note to self is a trite cliche.

Hey short attention span!!
Yes, I'm talking to you, twitterhead.

Keep your eyes on the blog-stop checking your facebook to see what John Hughes character your friends are...just keep writing.

But it's hard! The internet woos me like shiny things distract kittens. I just want to Wikipedia dragonflies. Michelle said she saw a bunch. I wonder if they have eyes. Woah they have great big eyes...bug out.

OVER HERE!

Ok...I'm writing I'm writing. See?! ...Letters. Words. Punctuation.

Just writing what comes into my head. If you are reading this you may not know what to make of me, and it's not really my place to tell you. Some people find politics fascinating. Some people read Danielle Steele. Some people are interested in what's going on in the world, while others are still fascinated by news of Michael Jackson's death and autopsy findings. It's a free country if you want to be an idiot there's nothing stopping you. In fact, that's the American dream. I think that's why our country is in trubs. Yeah, I said trubs. You knew what I meant. I can be cutting edge and still be viably hip. [Note to self: (which I said I wasn't going to do anymore but-fuck it) You are NOT hip. Just by using the word "hip" shows how very NOT you are.] I don't like politics or Danielle Steele. (Or Danielle Steele's politics, for that matter.)

Well, this particular writing exercise has reached it's witty zenith. That was not at all cathartic.
Thanks for nothing.

I am in a creativity black hole.
Send help.

Rise above, phoenix...oh wait, ashes first, right.

As I go through my hard times in life, I keep thinking it will get better. I know a positive attitude is what's going to get me through it and on to greener pastures, but jesus h. christ it's hard to remain positive.

Why do I always have to be the bigger person? Why do I always have to reach out to others and be loving, even when they're being hateful? What is it in me that pushes me forward to continue to be upbeat, loving, forgiving and caring-when it seems that the world treats me much the opposite?

Hell...ya got me. But like Dory the absent-minded fish in 'Finding Nemo' sang, "...Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...".

Ok, and note to self: No more blogging on Ambien. Ok, enough said.

Last week was a really tough week, but when I look back on it now, I see the growth that came out of it. I see now, with hindsight, that it not only happened for a reason, but that it needed to happen for several reasons. Not just for reasons that affect my life either. I don't want to sound to new age-y, but I am having some really deep spiritual epiphanies (aka a-ha moments) where like...stuff just sort of seems to be clicking in.

Not like I suddenly just am getting everything. That would be pretty far from the truth. I'd say the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. I've heard people say that before, but it never seemed more true. There are so many different levels to everything and really, it just depends on which one you happen to be concentrating on that you can actually see it. So, you kind of have to know of it's presence to be able to see it. In order to know some of these deep truths, you have to first spiritually intuit them, before you can even conceptualize of them. It reminds me of a story I heard in which an Indian medicine man keeps looking out over the water and eventually realizes something is different. He looks every day...barely seeing anything, but somehow realizing that there is a shimmer of difference which he does not understand. He looked and looked for many days...until he saw it. Ships were coming towards him. Now of course, he had no frame of reference, because he had no concept of a ship. Now, I don't know how true this is, but conceptually I understand what was meant by the story.

I need to stop drowning out my inner voices all the time with constant tv, computer, movies and music, (see earlier post on this topic) and start listening to and writing down the wisdom that comes to me in quiet moments. I need to have some more quiet moments. Easier said than done. Still, I'm saying it.

Ok, let me just start by saying I am waiting for my Ambien to take effect. It often leads to groupings or words I may not ordinarily use. *blink* My mind is like...the floor of the stock exchange. There are bells ringing and people jumping up and down, future securities (which lets face it, seem bleak) I watch too much tv, and I spend too much time on my computer. When I'm away from this big ol' behemouth, i have my like girly iphone with interchangeable skins to match my mood swings. i need to be away from all this technocracy that has more than infiltrated my brain. i am becoming wiki-i know a little about a lot. it all makes me dizzy. in fact by bed is staring at me like-"you dumb ass, get your white ass in this bed. why does my room feel like it's rocking like a boat. ok. time to go play the capain of my bed. and stut off this infernal sturm and drunk. i think i may hurl.
peace out.

Ok, so this week isn't really as successful as I imagined it would be. My ex boyfriend decided our friendship wasn't worth working at retaining...now my father and brother are being verbally abusive to me. I feel ignored and unappreciated and the people that aren't ignoring me are just being hateful. Somehow I have to turn this around. I just took two Xanax because today is making me feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

My dad and my brother are two sides of the same coin and both sides are horrible and dark. (and threatening me and abusing me cruelly) I just need to lay down. Writing isn't helping. I feel just ill.