Moonlight and History

I watch you
As you lay sleeping
A band of moonlight
Strapped across your face

It was a while ago
But I can still see it
In my mind's eye

As I laid there thinking
What depths lay underneath
For once I was convinced
That I knew absolutely nothing.

Thanks Shmanks...

I know I'm supposed to be thankful today. I know everyone is blathering on and on about it. I know gratitude is important...I do...but honestly I'm having a hard time feeling grateful for much of anything. I've just stayed quiet about it, not responding to others gooey thankfulness ramblings. I feel kinda sorry for myself that I don't have more things to be grateful for. Like good health...good health would be nice. Maybe a loving relationship or close friends...yeah that would be something I'd be grateful for if I had them right now. I'm in a dark place, yo-and I'm not going to paste a happy face on it and say the obligatory "it's all good" cause that's just bullshit. I am grateful for basic stuff...like a roof over my head, food and clothing, a family that loves me, albeit not in the way I'd like to be loved, but in their own way. I am really hoping that by next year I will have more happy stuff to be grateful for. I know it can't all be sunshine and roses, but c'monnnnn! Just a little happiness goes a long way. God if you're listening, get going on that please. All this dark shit is a little more than I can handle, and if you truly know me, you'd stop it already.
I lost four pounds. I am grateful for that.
Off to work out. How many people can say that after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm a little proud of myself. Let's see if we can't extrapolate on that.
You are dismissed.

Same guy, take two...

He gives himself away sparingly-enough that I want more, but not enough that he has to feel like he has lost anything. Just enough to make me dizzily want more and then he goes silent for long periods of time, as if to say, "That never happened. The closeness we shared is just a dream you had while napping. You don't really know me and you never will." He is a mystery, and clearly intends to remain as such. He often contradicts himself, and usually I say nothing upon hearing the contradictions. I just log them away for later to remind myself that he is not real.
A+B do not equal C, and therefore all logic and order do not apply.
He tries to scare me away by being mean, but I can see deeper than that and I see the games he plays.
God help me if I should fall in love with another man exactly like the last one. How can there be two, and how can I be attracted to such self centered aloof bastards?

oh ps...

This morning I had a serious of fun and happy dreams. I can't remember for the life of me what they were about...I just remember waking up smiling and being happy. When you haven't been for a while, those feelings tend to be all the more sweet.

not sad, DEPRESSED and magic pills, don't think so...

Depression is a very real thing.

Sure, when something "bad" happens or you're sad, etc-you may call that being depressed. In one definition of the term, that is true.

However, actual depression can be debilitating and not just "sad feelings" but an illness that you can't get out from under. I've experienced being manic before, in my twenties. That was no fun, and I got treatment for that at the time. I think largely contributing to this illness is several things going wrong or feeling so many horrible things at once,until the last thing which is just the "straw that breaks the camel's back". I had it then, and I have had it lately.

I, like all of us, am only human. I can only handle so much shit at once. Combine my health problems and chronic pain, with my caretaker's job of my handicapped father and dealing with his pain and depression, complete isolation from friends and anything remotely fun...and more that I won't even go into-you have what is/was THE PERFECT STORM.

I asked my physician for anti-depressants and he prescribed something. I had yet to take it, when I started having chest pains and feeling dizzy. At first I though it was a panic attack. I took an ambien and went to bed. Those same feelings persisted through the next day, which lead me to think that it may not be anxiety, but an actual cardiac situation. I got myself to the ER and spent a glorious afternoon and evening on a friday night, connected to machines and poked and prodded. Because of my Scleroderma, you can't be too careful. Also, you can't fuck around when it comes to your heart. They didn't find anything conclusive, and I ended up back at home. Since then it has come and gone, but mostly gone...I know I need to get to a cardiologist for more tests. However this week, I am dealing with dental problems and needed a tooth extraction and a very expensive bridge built. Again, more shit piled on top of my previous pile. Yet somehow over the weekend, the depression seemed to lift a bit. I did not take the medication, as I had a very bad feeling about it, and I tend to trust my intuition. I purchased it, however, for fourty dollars before I realized I was not going to subject my body to this.
Read what others have said about taking this drug, and tell me if you'd take this EVER:

http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=21427

Anyhow...I am working on setting my focus a little more straight so when the shit storm comes through again (as it invariably will) I will be able to ride it out. (Without the help of medication)

Do magic "all better" pills really exist anyhow? I'm thinking, no.

Life is so weird. I don't really know what to make of it.
I feel like life's chew toy, and life is a really hardcore pit bull.
It has me in it's grasp and is just violently shaking it's head back
and forth and growling...I just curl up into the ball that I am and let it.

Stuck
Stuck
Stuck
...how to unstick?
Stuck.

Dream Diary

Ok...I've been awake now and I should have written this down right after I got up...but I had a weird weird dream.

Here's what I remember:
I was looking at the moon and it looked really different. It was amazing. Something weird was going on. It was super bright and the rays were making forms. Suddenly there were these explosions, like fireworks...but they had a lot of smoke ash and rock(?) coming down. Everyone was trying to take cover. I remember I was wearing shorts, cause I was thinking shoot, I wish I had worn pants today as the fallout came down on me.
Then it was like a science fiction movie. There were these shape-shifting aliens and they were trying to kill me. It was hard to know when it was them or when it was a friend of mine, cause they kept shape-shifting. You could figure it out if you paid really close attention. There was a lot of suspense and running. At the end a friend of mine was like, get in the car, they're coming for you. Then she was like, wait, my dog needs to pee. So she let the dog out to pee on the grass and then she peed on the dog. Me and another friend were waiting in the car, but then the other friend said "oh we forgot one thing" and signaled me to get out of the car for a second. Then she said "it's them-RUN!" and we narrowly escaped with our lives...I woke up as we ran away.

I usually wake up an hour earlier than today. I think the dream kept me spellbound, because I always wake up at the same time, give or take a few minutes. My heart was beating really fast when I woke up. I wonder what this means.

Groundhog day...again.

This last week has been a hard one. I hate to sound redundant and/or negative, but Jesus-it's just like fucking Groundhog Day. While I realize that I am the only one that can pull myself out of my loop, I feel helpless to do so. If I can't, then who will?!

No one. Exactly.

Somehow, I've always figured in the recesses of my brain, that there would be a knight in shining armor coming to my emotional rescue (thanks, Mick.). I think he may have had a horrible accident while on the way to pick me up. That, or he never really existed. Oh...or he's just really frickin slow. See, I'm just not ready to let the idea die. Maybe I just need to figure some more stuff out on my own before his arrival. I am not prepared to let go of the idea that there is someone out there for me. A soul mate, a life partner-the yin to my yang.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two
You were looking at me
I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
But I could not recognize
Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine
That's the pain
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart
We called it love

--Origin of Love (Hedwig & The Angry Inch)

Yeah so, in thinking of all that nonsense, that song came to mind. It's sort of violent in origin, but that's life. I do think that there is someone out there for me that is sort of erupting from inside of my soul. Ok, so maybe that sounded super cheese-but it felt right in my head. How can you argue with that logic?!

Someone suggested this to me in an email recently:

"...Have you sat down and wrote a list of all of the qualities you want in a partner? Do you imagine what he is like? DO IT! You will find that it comes to you. I swear. I have been so lucky to have supportive, kind, loyal men in my life. And I am certain it is because I REALLY focused on the kind of person I wanted in my life. Sometimes I was too strict and unopen. But mostly I was defining what I wanted and asking the universe for it."

Ok, so I sat down and did it, because it seemed to make sense, if only in the sense that it certainly couldn't hurt to know what precisely this chap would look like (and not look like).

Here's what I came up with so far:

Soulmate Qualities:

· Smart

· Honest

· Funny loves to laugh

· Quick wit

· Caring/Empathetic/Sympathetic

· Patient

· Motivated and Motivating/good follow-through

· Slow to anger

· Attractive/Stylish

· Takes good care of himself

· Emotionally available

· Sensitive but manly

· Encouraging

· Spiritual

· Sexual/Sensual

· Artistic

· Good with finances

· Responsible

· Loving/openly affectionate

· Excellent communicator

· Good listener/knows when to just listen

· Good taste in music

· Well read and fairly cultured

Dealbreakers:

· Habitual Smoker

· Big drinker/druggie

· Religious as opposed to Spiritual

· Non-commital

· Emotionally unavailable

· Dishonest

· Inflexible

· Self centered

· Flakey

· Mean to others; trash talker

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...So now that I've done that, what am I supposed to do?

A/meditate on it

B/make an offering to the Gods, burn shit, chant

C/mail it to Santa/Jesus

D/wait another 41 years

E/all of the above

F/none of the above

...Sigh.